Management Goes On Strike, No One Notices

SEATTLE, WA—Across the country, store managers employed by Starbucks Coffee Company demonstrated opposition to recent unionization efforts by going on strike. Although they left their non-slick shoes empty and their little laptops tucked away for three months, baristas have only recently noticed their absence.

“At first we thought they were just playing hardball,” confessed Robert Smithe, a manager from Ohio. “Then we realized that no one cared that we were gone. Which is a shame, because we worked hard to carefully delegate the responsibility of writing our list of demands."

Unexpectedly, employee productivity and overall mental health skyrocketed during the three months. Many described the overall atmosphere as “vibey” and “upbeat.” Some feel it’s the most efficient their workplaces have ever run.

“It was strange, nothing in our routine changed but there was just this general feeling that an oppressive force was lifted,” stated shift supervisor Kaylee Whitfield, who also confessed that she was never sure they had a manager until the strike. “Every time I called their phone number for help, the line would go dead. I just assumed they didn’t exist.”

Even the customers have noticed a positive change during the strike.

"It was nice to drink my coffee and work on my novel in peace without having someone ask me if everything was satisfactory," said one frequent Starbucks guest. "Like, dude: I know you need something to justify your job but I'm here writing a novel at Starbucks. Clearly, things are not satisfactory for me. Get lost."