Bosses Urge Employees To ‘Exercise Caution’ Commuting To Office During Nuclear Holocaust

Jan 28

Jan 28 Bosses Urge Employees To ‘Exercise Caution’ Commuting To Office During Nuclear Holocaust

BROOKLYN, NY—After yesterday's nuclear holocaust that wiped out more than 95% of NYC’s population, many employers have taken to social media to urge their employees to "exercise caution" on their commute into the office.

“It is incredibly important that everyone exercises extreme caution while traveling to work today amidst the downed trees, broken power lines, and destruction beyond anyone’s comprehension,” said Costco Manager Robert Pool while digging through rubble to find his cat's corpse. “However, if you leave some extra time this morning, you will probably be able to open the store on time!"

Mayor Eric Adams also urged companies to email a list of available transport since all subways, cars, and busses were utterly destroyed by the nuclear blast.

“There’s plenty of available rafts, boats, and helicopters in the area. I think a few Citi Bikes are lying around too,” said Adams while skyping from his underground bunker. “I don’t want to encourage working from home because it’s great to go into the office and see who is alive! But working from home is only an option for those of you who still have power, internet, and if your apartment building was not torn to pieces”

Many companies, including law offices and schools, have offered incentives for those debating going into the office or staying home and crying that they've lost everything they've ever loved.

“I’ve put a Hershey Kiss and a clean paper towel on everyone’s desk so they can wipe the wreckage of their workspace!” said CEO Tim McCarthy while cleaning the ash and blood off his desk. “It’s great because our office manager Carol also found some soggy cupcakes in the floodwaters during her commute that she has so generously put out in the kitchen for all to share. If we power through we can still hit our KPIs this quarter!”

Managers and Mayor Adams hope that getting back to work will help New Yorkers emerge victoriously.

“We all have no idea where our actual families are right now but I imagine they are at their offices working hard,” said Pool while taking note of everyone who was not at the store. “I just want everyone to exercise some caution as they come in and most importantly, be sure to clock in at 8 am or we will have to dock their pay.”