Santa 'Super Bummed' Reading The 100,000th Kid’s Request For Dad To Come Home

THE NORTH POLE—As Christmas approaches, hundreds of kids all over the world have already written to Santa Claus, and this year, kids just want one thing: their fathers to come home.

“Almost every letter Santa has gotten is from some kid who wants to see their bum dad again,” said one of the head elves, Cilby Candycane, as she incinerated a pile of 10,000 crayon-scribbled letters (the most effective way to make holiday cheer). “Some of these kids’ dads died from covid—which sucks—but it’s mostly kids who have no idea that their dad is just with their second family a few towns away.”

According to multiple Elves, the letters have led Santa to go on long walks, take multiple "frat naps" a day, and pour vodka in his milk.

“Last night we heard a long sigh and then he went out to get another handle of vodka before reading more letters,” said Mrs. Clause while throwing away boxes of Dominoes pizza and cookies on Santa’s desk. “He’s been spending a lot of money on Seamless lately because of these letters. I didn't know there were so many Mexican food options in the North Pole.”

“Santa just wants to make sure everyone’s dreams come true, but some of these dads are definitely not coming back," said one elf, Peter Pineneedle, while trying to gently wake Santa from his 3rd nap of the day. "Santa tried to get one dad to go back to his kid, but this guy has been in Cabo with his 23-year-old girlfriend and said 'hell no' and honestly... I don't blame him."

For now, the North Pole team hopes that kids enjoy the baseball glove, ball, and $100 therapy voucher (before co-pay).

“Santa figured that these kids could play baseball with an uncle, neighbor, or their mom’s new boyfriend Chad,” said Mrs. Clause while shoving two Playstations in one box for a kid whose dad had just posted a picture on Instagram of him and his newborn son. “I’m getting Santa a therapist for Christmas, it’s been a rough year.”