'Gotta Start Thinking About My Health' Says Man Drinking Ice Water With Cheeseburger Deluxe

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—Local man Peter Andrews, 32, who has an incredibly shitty diet, says he is “trying to be healthier” by having a large ice water instead of soda, with his burger and fries.

“My doctor says that I have to adopt a healthier lifestyle. So, I’m taking his advice to heart,” Andrews said, dipping his fries in homemade spicy mayo. “Instead of having my usual root beer, I'm drinking tap water with my Big Mac and fries for dinner. Progress, right?”

Andrews noted that he’s on a mission to live a healthy lifestyle. His next step is to do a Google search for “local gyms” and see what comes up, maybe even see how far the drive is. After that, he might go outside, walk 60 seconds until he reaches the end of his street, and then go back inside his apartment to watch more Netflix.

“I think I’m doing good,” he reported. “I’m going out for pizza this weekend with friends and instead of getting extra pepperoni and cheese, I’m just going to ask for just extra cheese.”

Sources close to him aren’t so sure about the progress Andrews says he is making.

“Peter’s doctor strongly advised him to stop ordering in McDonald's,” said Betty Carter, Mr. Appetite’s longtime girlfriend. “That night, he told me that he was taking his doctor’s advice to stop ordering in before he went out to McDonald's to get take-out instead.”

While Carter thinks her partner is doing the bare minimum, Andrews disagrees.

“My girlfriend is so critical of me. I’m trying to do better,” he said, sipping on cranberry juice cocktail. “Just last week at the grocery store, I stood in the produce section of Costco. I didn’t buy any vegetables, but next time I might, you know?”