Four-Poster-Bed Man Way Creepier Than Mattress-On-Floor Man
CHICAGO, IL—Sources report that Jeff Mueller, a man who owns a four-poster bed, is way creepier than any dude who just has a mattress on the floor ever could be.
“[Jeff] and I were on a date and up till then, it was going pretty well,” reported Lisa Havens, a River North resident. “We had dinner, some drinks and while he definitely had some softboi vibes, I could see just having a fling for the night. That is until I got back to his apartment and saw his bedroom. Giant four-poster bed, complete with those sheer curtain things. I didn’t stick around long enough to be sure, but I feel like there might have even been some kind of heraldic insignia on the headboard.”
“Real fucking Dracula shit, you know,” Havens added.
Les Tartine, Muller’s neighbor, and self-described “chill dude,” was unsurprised by her reaction.
“See, I’m a chill dude,” Tartine said from his living room, which contained no less than three pieces of furniture made from cinder blocks. “I could never have a big piece of high maintenance like that. Mi casa has only one bed, and that bed is a simple mattress straight on the floor. Why guss it up? You don’t need anything more than a comfy place to sleep, and if there’s a lady lucky enough to come over, I’ll even put the sheet on.”
“I see Mueller sometimes, and man, that guy looks uptight,” Tartine continued. “Not surprised. He’s never going to get laid with a weird-ass bed like that. Creepy as hell.”
Aidra Tilden, a professional interior decorator, had some thoughts.
“Many people simply don’t realize how easy it is to become defined by a single decor choice,” Tilden said. “Often, one simply purchases an item for basic aesthetic reasons or because it’s affordable, and then IKEA becomes a permanent part of your identity or you get locked in a vicious cycle of mid-century modern. That’s why the services of a professional are so important. You don’t become that person with an all-pink apartment, or a black faux-leather sectional so big it’s hard to open a door.”
“Wait, he had a four-poster bed? That’s fucked up. That's not okay,” Tilden added.
As of press time, an unconcerned Mueller was sitting cross-legged on his bed, sorting through polaroid photos of various strangers.
