'Critical Race' Huh? A Complete Guide To Misusing Words And Concepts To Frighten Conservatives
Evolution—Evolution has been terrifying since the Scopes Monkey Trials and it still performs well in a pinch. Evolution means we are all related to monkeys. And if we are related to monkeys, the next logical step is to legalize marriages between humans and orangutans.
Semantics—"Semantics" sure sounds a lot like Semitic, if you ask me! If one argues “that’s just semantics” when you deny being a fanatic, arguing instead you are a zealot, they are dismissing your argument because they believe you are a Holocaust denier. And while you believe Jews have too much power and they used a satellite to shoot lasers into California to start the wildfires, you know the Holocaust happened, even if you a few doubts about how bad it really was.
Negative reinforcement—These two words together sure make it sound like lessons can only be learned through negative interactions. The scary outcome of this approach is that only by permitting the destruction of property, mass shootings and the trafficking of children will the undesirable action stop.
Relativity of Simultaneity—This sounds complicated enough that others will think you have Albert-Einstein-levels of intelligence if you simply say the words. When an argument is made that one cannot counter without revealing racist or homophobic thinking, simply respond that the argument is in violation of the relativity of simultaneity.
Love—Your love should be limited, finite, and confined to those that are close to you and look like you. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to extend love to everyone? Or to treat others the way you wanted to be treated? And everyone knows love is just a slippery slope to empathy and traditional power structures cannot survive in a world with empathy. First, they are asking you to love your neighbor, and then before you know it, they are taking away your guns.
Marxist—When used as an adjective, it means that whatever person or thing it is describing wants to live in or belongs in Stalin’s Russia. This word should be used liberally. Those wanting others not to litter in State Parks? Marxists! The dog that barks at all those delivering Amazon packages to your front porch, not just those that are BIPOC? Marxist!
Jingoism—This means you’ll believe anything told to you in a catchy jingle.
Chronotypes—These are the chips Bill Gates wanted to inject into your body in the vaccine so he can track everything you do.
Taradiddle—This is such a fun word to say and it sounds so cute so Ted Cruz has claimed “dibs” on using it in any upcoming campaign slogans.
Rainbow Washing—Those in the LGBTQ+ community want glitter-covered unicorns to come shit all over your heteronormative lifestyle.
Vergangenheitsaufarbeitung—A word so long that if one knows what it means, much less is able to pronounce it, they are an elitist snob who wants socialism.
Science—Merriam Webster defines science as “the state of knowing: knowledge as distinguished from ignorance or misunderstanding.” But ignorance and misunderstanding are the levers to be manipulated for power so science is not to be trusted. Sheep be warned.
Cuba—Cuba.
