Covid Vaccine Side Effects Now Include No Longer Being Interested In Hanging Out With Roommates

Apr 2

Apr 2 Covid Vaccine Side Effects Now Include No Longer Being Interested In Hanging Out With Roommates

WASHINGTON, D.C.—On Wednesday, the CDC reported an alarming new side effect of all three major vaccines: an intense desire for vaccinated people to no longer hang out with roommates they have been quarantined with for the last year. According to CDC director, Rochelle P. Walensky, the side effect has been reported in 100% of people who have received all required doses.

“We’ve been getting calls nonstop from people worried about their vaccinated roommate being withdrawn, silent, and in some cases disappearing from their apartments,” said Walensky while consoling an intern whose recently vaccinated roommate fled to Miami Beach and has not answered any texts.

“Two weeks after getting his second Pfizer shot, my roommate Mark just stopped hanging out in the common area,” said Kyle Meyers while staring at a Monopoly board. “We’ve played every Monday since last March. It's Mark’s turn so just waiting for him to come home so he can roll the dice. He should be here any day now.”

Meyers, along with millions of New Yorkers whose roommates are now fully vaccinated, have felt blindsided by this particular side effect.

“When Mark got the first shot he kept saying, ‘things are going to be wild this summer,’ but I thought that meant we would be hitting up bars, restaurants, and clubs together,” Meyers said while scrolling through Mark’s Instagram to gather clues about his roommate’s whereabouts. “Then he got the second shot. The first day he had a fever and then the second day he stopped texting. Now after two weeks, he can’t make it to movie nights because he’s with ‘friends.’”

The CDC is set to release a statement about the new adverse side effects and is encouraging people to reach out to their support systems or therapists.

“It’s important to have a plan in place when the person you were with 24/7 is now vaccinated and realizes that they were friends with you out of necessity,” stressed Walensky while booking a trip to New Zealand without her family.