Community Raises Money To Help Teacher Buy Classroom Assault Rifles

FORT WORTH, TX—This week, members of a small farming community came together to help 37-year-old teacher Sandra Lopez buy enough assault rifles to mount at each point of entry to her fifth-grade classroom.

The heartwarming outpouring of support came in response to a call by Republican state officials to arm all school teachers with guns to prevent guns in schools and to make teachers seem more valuable in the eyes of Texas legislators.

“Of course, there is no funding for this because most of our public services budget goes to buying backup bulletproof vests for police dogs," explained Attorney General Ken Paxton. "But we think schools will find a way to make this happen because the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a terrified teacher with a cursory knowledge of firearm combat."

Local parents were happy to contribute.

"We don't have much but we scraped together a few bucks because teachers' salaries are so tight,” a father said while sobbing hysterically after dropping his children off at the school. "We got some extra rubber glue and folders too."

Mrs. Lopez was overwhelmed by the generosity of her neighbors.

"When I have a split second during the next mass shooting to choose which kids to defend, I'll remember who donated money they didn't have out of abject fear to such an uplifting cause."