Black Man Hospitalized After Code-Switching Accident, In Stable Condition

PORTLAND, OR—Growing up as a Black person in very white spaces, Michael Thomas had been code-switching his whole life. This weekend, however, Thomas was in a near-fatal code-switching accident.

Reports say that Thomas had been boating with his paler friends before going to a family cookout. Upon walking into the backyard, he saw his favorite cousin Jamie, but instead of greeting him with a traditional dap, Mr. Thomas said, “Hey there, buddy” and outstretched his hand for a caucasian-style shake.

“Bruh, you should have seen the look on Jamie’s face," said a source close to the family—we think he's a second uncle or something. “It went from ‘oh hell ya’ to ‘wait... wut?’ to ‘that ain’t right.’ And that wasn’t even the worst part. We checked out Michael’s feet and he was wearing boat shoes! Vineyard Vines ass!”

At this point, Thomas was quite embarrassed and tried to recover by asking, ‘Where da party at?’ and dropping ‘my man’ and ‘my brotha’ as much as possible. It was clear that Thomas was mentally and physically stuck code-switching. A "code glitch," as it's referred to colloquially.

Fast forward a few weeks and Thomas remains hospitalized but in stable condition. His recovery regimen includes alternating between the shows Insecure and Girls, Martin and Friends, the movies Training Day and Green Book, and Jay-Z's earlier stuff versus his later stuff after he got rich and had kids. He is also working with a physical therapist to relearn the proper dap procedure. We wish him a safe, healthy recovery.