Woman Worried She’s Not Interesting Enough For Netflix Special When She’s Inevitably Murdered

BROOKLYN, NY—For months, 30-year-old Ummara Haq was on edge as a serial killer playfully nicknamed "The Marcy Ave Machete Man" terrorized her quaint Brooklyn neighborhood. 

“I had many sleepless nights wondering, ‘what if I am next? Am I even good enough to get a Netflix special if my body is found in the East River?’” said Haq while posting heavily filtered selfies to her Instagram page in case her worst fears were to come true. 

Haq, who works as a researcher for an environmental consulting firm, has started to doubt her life choices as the number of murders continues to increase in her neighborhood. 

“Sometimes I think I should lead a more exciting lifestyle so that I stand out and Netflix wants to talk about me,” said Haq as she booked soul cycle classes, facials, and full body waxes. “I gotta look my best. There’s just so much competition and this industry can be tough! Do you think my hair would look better up or down if it was matted in mud and seaweed?"

Although the killer has only targeted white women with blonde hair, Haq thinks that if she were to be murdered, she would at least get her very own episode in the hypothetical true-crime series. She shudders to think if someone else were to also be murdered by this man, which will probably result in her sharing the episode with said victim or victims, probably fifteen minutes of screen time at best.

“Normally Black and Brown women don’t get much attention when they go missing or if they are attacked, but I heard Netflix wants to be more inclusive. I would be the first Pakistani to be murdered by this guy—or girl—I don’t want to jump to conclusions about the Machete Man!"