The Stats Don't Lie! Tom Brady Is The GOAT At Missing His Kids' Dance Recitals

TAMPA, FL—Seven-time Super Bowl champion and five-time Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady announced he was coming out of retirement last month. Now entering his 23rd season as a professional, Brady holds countless NFL records. However, arguably his greatest accolade is away from the gridiron.

A husband and father of three, Brady has never been to a dance recital, science fair, or tee ball game. That streak will most likely continue this coming season and has a chance of entering Hall of Fame territory if he avoids these events at his usual high frequency.

Brady’s children were ecstatic when they learned that their father was retiring on Instagram.

“He’s never been to one of my recitals,” said Brady’s second son, Boston, with the distant gaze of a man three times his age. “The dance season is from August to February and recitals are on Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays. So, there have been some scheduling conflicts. However, he never misses an opportunity to kiss me on the mouth, though. And I mean never.”

When asked to comment about supporting his son’s dance career, Brady took a long pause as if trying to remember non-football responsibilities.

“Oh yeah! When did he start dancing?" asked Brady on his boat sailing down the Hillsborough River. "I wish he played football so we could talk football and watch football. I wish he was Gronk.”

Six weeks later, when the kids learned that Brady was coming out of retirement on Instagram, they were not surprised, just disappointed.

“All Dad knows is football so those six weeks were really hard on him,” said his introspective daughter, Gronk. “From the moment he got home, he was second-guessing his decision and making us run the Bucs offense in the yard. My brothers, mom, and I rotated between receivers and cornerbacks. Dad even plays quarterback at home. My chest is so sore from catching bullet passes that I can't even tie my tap shoes. Also, Mike Evans stiff-armed me into the mud.”