Study On Effects Of Thoughts And Prayers Officially Concluded, The Results May Surprise You!

The day has finally come.

With this latest mass shooting, the scientific community has amassed a large enough sample size to end a more than 300 year-long study. The study is titled The Effect of Thoughts and Prayers on Mass Shootings and Also Every Tragedy Ever.

“We officially have conclusive evidence that strongly suggests that thoughts and prayers have little to no relationship with the instances of mass shootings or the number of shooting victims in the United States," said lead researcher Carolyn Meadows made the announcement in Texas just last night. "Data points to it being absolutely nothing. It's all complete horseshit—according to the numbers.” 

The study compared the number of thoughts, prayers, moments of silence, and good vibes sent to the victims’ families versus the number of mass shooting victims and concluded that they have what researchers call "no correlation whatsoever." In some charts, it seems thoughts and prayers have actually increased shootings.

“For years, it was a universal truth that the best and only response to a mass shooting is to sit down and think about it for a few minutes and then blast off a few quick prayers and that's it. Problem solved," said an astounded Tony Gonzales, a congressman from Texas. "Thoughts and prayers make the man in the sky stop the bad-bad things from happening to the people. I mean duh! But, boy was I wrong.”

Gonzales was not alone in his sentiments as the discovery sent a ripple effect throughout the United States government. Thousands of government officials rushed to begin the process of eventually trying to maybe pass bills and laws that push for more robust gun control policies. Conservative prep to kill the new legislation, citing that thoughts and prayers are still, and will always be, "the good stuff."

God was unable to comment at this time.