Oscars Drama! Why Did Alana Haim Punch Ryûsuke Hamaguchi In The Dick?

LOS ANGELES, CA—Everyone's talking about it, the moment that made jaws drop at the 2022 Oscars last night. We haven't had a moment this outrageous since the La La Land / Moonlight debacle of 2017 (in which Ryan Gosling mistook Trevante Rhodes as co-star Emma Stone and gave him a sensual kiss on the cheek)!

If you're not on Twitter and/or live in a fucking barn, here's how it went down: Amy Schumer was doing some stupid bit about how she could never be an astronaut because she farts too much (or something in that vein) before finally announcing the best picture winner. Everyone was tuned out and yawning because we already knew the winner would obviously be the 4-hour Japanese traffic drama, Drive My Car.

No surprises there, folks, but here's where it gets juicy. After Amy announced the winner and director Ryûsuke Hamaguchi and the cast came to accept the award—not after some excited somersaults and cartwheels, typical Japanese fanfare—who's to run on stage but a furious Alana Haim!

Haim, the bass player of the famed band POD and star of the popular Paul Thomas Anderson vehicle Licorice Pizza, about playful pedophilia in the 70s, seemed to be pissed that her movie was not the winner. After screaming loudly and clearly "QAnon may have some points!" she then proceeded to slug Hamaguchi right in the dick before being pulled off stage by Phillip Seymour Hoffman's cousin, Ron.

Maya Rudolph did a little jig to get the show back on the road.

Hamaguchi has yet to publicly respond to the incident but people close to him are saying that he may spin this as the premise of his next six-hour film, Penisu e no kataomoi panchi. The title roughly translates to "Unrequited Punch to the Cock" (there is no English word for it).