Orange You Glad? Tropicana Releases New All-Pulp Juice

BRADENTON, FL—In an unprecedented and innovative move in the fruit juice economy, Tropicana has unveiled an “All Pulp Chewable Juice.” At midnight, an advertisement for the product appeared with the tagline “All Pulp, the juice you can eat.” The impetus for this idea was apparently due to one man.

“Pulp is the next big thing. For the last decade, we’ve seen a pulp erasure of sorts. Less and less pulp everywhere you look. But, the kids these days are ready for it to make a comeback. They want texture. They want to chew, not sip. They want to eat their juice. I had to spend years doing market research to get the suits onboard. They told me this wasn’t actually juice. I told them that it was the future of juice. Pulp. Get your jaw ready, oldtimers.” said Zack Hanson, Head of Marketing at Tropicana, whilst putting a chicken in the blender.

When FLEXX asked Mr. Hanson about how they would package the product, he had this to say.

“We wanted something original. Something fresh. Something eco-friendly. We opted for a spherical, orange-colored container made from organic materials. Biodegradable and it grows on trees. Okay, it's an orange,” said Hanson.

Twitter users, however, reacted negatively to the product.

“What exactly is Tropicana trying to pull?” said @juicyjenna.

“I’m in the fridge section of my market. I open the fridge and all these oranges fall out like The Godfather. I tried to help take them back to the produce section, but an employee said they were chewable juice #ytfolxonthatnutshit” said @lickmelikeanoreo

UPDATE: Zack Hanson has been fired from Tropicana and has taken a position at Goya Foods.