Man’s Height Doesn't Define Him—Unless You're Into Short Kings, In Which Case It Totally Does

RICHMOND, VA—In a contradictory string of incoherent thoughts no one could really follow, local man Reilly Lonzia, 5’6", explained to a group of women at the bar why his short stature is not a key part of his identity—unless they want it to be, in which case it is.

“I’m not a tall dude, vertically speaking, but I definitely carry myself with big energy, you know? But like, if you think I’m cute and want someone who’s all petite and shit, I can also be that cuddly koala and climb you like a eucalyptus tree if you’re into that, for real,” said Lonzia, laughing under his breath to break the silence.

“Who needs another drink? I may be a short king but I got a tall wallet.”

At press time, Lonzia was seen walking home from the bar sulking after getting kicked out for calling numerous taller women “Amazonian angels.”