Major League Lacrosse To Kaepernick: 'We’ll Suck Your Dick If You Play For Us, Bro. Not Even Fucking Joking, Bro.'
ATLANTA, GA—Since 2017's blackballing of former San Francisco 49ers Quarterback Colin Kapernick, the NFL has still yet to apologize or take adequate steps in truly addressing their failure to the former QB. An unlikely league however is throwing their hat in the ring.
“He’s so wicked cool, you know? I’ll be real honest here, Kraft is a weirdo and Jerry Jones sucks dick at being cool”, said Major League Lacross Commissioner, Alexander "Kegstand" Brown. “Like, if we could get real Black people in the US to watch this sport, bro. That would be major!"
When pushed if he wanted to address the issues that Kaepernick has been peacefully protesting since 2016, Brown abruptly stated: “Read. My. Lips: I want Black people to play lacrosse, but c’mon dude. Colin running midfield with a stick is like the inverse of white people at a party scream-singing ‘Just A Friend.'"
After a long swig of his Lagunitas and a hearty belch, the commissioner pushed down his Oakley sunglasses and whispered: “Sorry, I’m on like three percs right now, really getting weird. Long story short: we need the views and the rep boost. I mean, yeah, this sport has always been fucked since jump street. We supposedly 'borrowed' this sport from the Native Americans and when we saw them playing hockey we were like: won’t happen again bro, but then we pulled a ‘psych” and took that shit too!”
The history of Lacrosse began with the Algonquin tribe playing it during the Spring and Summer and hockey during the Fall and Winter months, beginning around 500 AD. The first known black lacrosse player of note was a football legend Jim Brown.
“I'll wear a kente cloth and loudly hum the Black National Anthem in every meeting, Uber, and Qanon-anonymous meetings,” the MLL Commissioner screamed while on top of his milk-crates-turned-desk. When reached at press time, the US Polo Association, which is actual thing, commented, “FUCK. FUCK, THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, SHIT!”
