Help! Marie Kondo Visited My Apartment, Bought The Building And Evicted Me

Guys, I need legal representation. The other night, I kid you not, an impossibly tiny Japanese woman who I’ve never met before broke into my home. After inspecting my closets and cabinets for 20 minutes, she left and purchased my building. I got the eviction notice the next day.

It all happened so fast. I was sitting on my couch playing Red Dead and I heard a knock on my door. Next thing I knew, a diminutive woman with impeccable bangs and a perfectly white sweater was kneeling on my kitchen floor thanking my home.

I looked her up today at Starbucks, which is my residence for the time being. Apparently, she’s a world-renowned “tidier” with a bestselling book and new show on Netflix? I don’t know. All I know is that I showered in a sink today.

I tried to stop her. I pleaded for her to quit putting my Tupperware in different-sized boxes. I begged her to tell me why she was audibly saying “arigatōgozaima” to my slacks before throwing them out my third floor window into the alleyway. All her translator could say was, “Marie has made her decision. It’s done.”

I’m currently building my case against her on the Q train, where I occasionally sleep. I know for a fact that what she did is prohibited in my lease. I’m just having some trouble finding my lease in my trash bag of loose documents. Nothing sparks more joy for me than the image of this evil pixie rotting in federal prison.