Harlem's On Fire! Chopped Cheese Gentrified, Deconstructed On Charcuterie Board

Mar 6

Mar 6 Harlem's On Fire! Chopped Cheese Gentrified, Deconstructed On Charcuterie Board

HARLEM, NY—Former stockbroker and recent 30-day felon charged with insider trading and tomfoolery, Jonathan Von Schmautz, arrived in Harlem less than two hours ago looking for a way to restart his life. According to his former cellmate, Von Schmautz wanted to invest in a community upon his release that he had no affiliation with and admittedly “looked up on Google.”

Witnesses say they saw Von Schmautz walk into a local deli and offered upwards of $1.2 million to purchase the deli. He explained that he wanted ownership to reconstruct the menu to make healthier and less seasoned options, specifically the Chopped Cheese, a staple in many New York bodegas.

The previous owners of the deli were quoted as saying, “We out!” before taking the check and sprinting down 125th St.

Harlem residents quickly heard the news and the community organized a protest. Local teacher, José Ramos, expressed his outrage.

“This ain’t right, fam! These white people coming in here and taking our houses? Now they messin’ up our chopped cheese? Let me throw these Timbs on, hol’ up!”

Over 100 Harlem residents protested the newly renovated deli. Some were seen scratching out #FREEBOBBY on posters and repacing it with the hashtag #FREECHOPPED and a photo of a chopped cheese sandwich with emoji eyes, a Yankees fitted and Cuban links around the end of its bun.

Von Schmautz stood in front of the deli and spoke to the crowd.

“No need to be upset, my ethnically diverse brothers and sisters! Your beloved 'Chopped Cheese' will be available in a format that can only be found at white people get-togethers in the Hamptons. I present to you...The 'Chopped Cheese Charcuterie Special.' It includes a side dish of chopped-up ground beef sprinkled with the finest seasoning... just salt. Kosher salt! You can choose from a variety of cheeses such as brie, gouda, and yak milk cheddar. Kale will replace the lettuce option, and feel free to get your hero bun toasted in an oven I stole from 99 cent pizza spot and dipped into a sriracha-basil-whiskey-salt infused mayo dip. Mmm mmm. The dip is five dollars extra though.”