Financial Planning Queen! Why All My Assets Are Tied Up In Kohl’s Cash

Do you know what’s confusing? The NASDAQ. Do you know what’s not? The Kohl’s Cash Back Reward Program. You get $10 back for every $50 you spend, and if that’s not smart financial planning, I don’t know what is.

Financial planning doesn’t have to be so confusing if you just literally stop doing it. Forget paying off your student loans, investing in real estate, or a 401k! I hate to break it to you, but you will never save enough money to retire. You will probably die before you are old enough to pretend to like golf. So, instead, experience joy in the present and go get those 8 pairs of Lee Dungarees at your local Kohl’s. What are Dungarees? No one knows, but they sound fun!

Suze Orman says “people first, then money, then things”, but I say “corporations first, then cashback, then that new sweater from the Lauren Conrad collection.”

People wonder how Kohl’s can even survive with the money they are practically giving away. They say it must be a front for a money-laundering scheme, but those Nine West sandals I got for $14.97 have never lied to me and, so far, no one has come to repossess those shoes, unlike my car.

Budgeting has never been easier now that my money goes to one place. As Kohl’s would say, “the more you know, the more you Kohl’s” also the fine print says I’ve sold my soul over to them.

I'm a Kohl's gal now and forever.

Kohl's.

Kohl's.

K o h l ' s