Clean Slate! White Ally Successfully Scrubs Social Media Of Cornrow Phase
In a huge win for performative allies everywhere, white liberal Caitlin O’Brien has scrubbed all social media platforms of her misguided, early ’00s cornrow phase.
The last batch of these disturbing images disappeared from the Internet after O’Brien finally got in touch with Emma Hansen, a friend from her hometown who took a months-long Facebook break after it “got too social justice-y.”
O’Brien acknowledges that the "optics" surrounding the photos are not great, but claims they simply speak to immaturity, not prejudice or malice.
“I hear you, sis, but all the girls on the field hockey team had them,” she said. “We weren’t trying to appropriate anyone’s culture, we just thought they looked dope, okurr?”
O’Brien added that the cornrows “couldn’t have been racist” because a Black girl gave them to her. “If anything, wouldn’t that make the Black girl racist?” Food for thought, she posits.
She clarified that she got cornrows during a particularly impressionable time in her life, right after her older sister showed her the 1996 Queen Latifah film Set It Off. During this period her bedroom walls were covered with posters of Black pop stars like Lil Bow Wow, Da Brat, and Justin Timberlake. Also, she played bass for Korn in ‘99.
Though the cornrows appear problematic in hindsight, O’Brien wouldn’t go so far as to say she regretted them.
“I actually used to get a lot of compliments,” she said, patting an invisible weave. “Plus, I was one of the only girls in AP Bio who could make the West Side ‘W’ with my hand. That has to count for something, right?”
Asked about rumors of a second cornrow phase, which may have occurred while she was on spring break in Cancun, O’Brien scowled and said, “Who told you about that? Was it that bitch Siobhan?
“Great, now I have to email her and see if there are untagged photos of me on MySpace.”
At press time, it was unclear whether O’Brien would also track down and delete all the clips of her rapping the N-word at frat parties--a task that experts estimate could take months, or even years.
“Is that not PC or whatever?” she asked. “But like… Those are the lyrics, aren't they?”
