Shopping Malls Across America Have Been Taken Over By Them Birds That Always Be In The Food Court
After months of human quarantine and lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic, millions of birds have taken over and occupied abandoned shopping malls across the United States. Bird experts say that mobs of them pigeons (you know the ones), little ass house sparrows, crows and shit or whatever, and other fuckers you always be seeing in the food court have permanently migrated to most major shopping centers.
FLEXX tracked down retired bird whisperer and researcher Cesar Cooper outside of the Burlington Center Mall in south Jersey.
“The revolution was inevitable. These birds have been chirping about a takeover since the '60s,” uttered the mysterious elderly man. “It all started the summer of ’63. White people began feeding birds pizza crust and French fries in the food court, and the rest is history. They got a taste of the American dream, and now they want it all.”
FLEXX investigators were met at the entrance by T.W. Woodrow, a Woodpecker in a blue bubble vest and vocal leader of the movement. Woodrow welcomed us in for an exclusive tour of the once deserted shopping center, as Cesar translated the bird’s statements.
“We don’t want any trouble! Just equity, opportunity, and unlimited bread crumbs for birds everywhere!” exclaimed Woodrow as he flew past the unrecognizable food court.
“Human beings have been shopping online anyway, so we have been living peacefully in these malls. Every bird has a home here, we’ve remained healthy—not one bird flu case since March—and business is booming. It’s an entire bird community trying to thrive just like you all.”
The woodpecker paused to eat a worm and continued. “We got pigeons selling hightop birdhouses from the Footlocker, cuckoos selling caskets from the clock stores, sparrows running the vegan Popeyes. We’re flourishing as a society without humans, and we’re not trying to go back to the way things were… Knock on wood.”
As we exited the premises, a teary-eyed Caesar, still a skilled bird whisperer, did the “Birdman” hand rub and bird signal handclap from the What Happened To That Boy video.
“I’m letting them know I’m happy for them,” he declared proudly. “I’ve always hoped to live to see the day that these birds are finally able to spread their wings.”
Article update: Since this publication, the White House reportedly dropped bombs on each thriving bird mall community across the U.S.
