Free Nalgenes Of Holy Water And Other Substitutions Recommended By EPA Instead Of Burning Palms For Ash Wednesday

Dear Dioceses, Parishioners, and Worshipers of Arcane Religious Rituals,

We are sorry to report that there will be no distribution of ashes this Ash Wednesday, to celebrate the beginning of Lent.

Due to EPA regulations, no palms can be burned to make the ashes that we love to smear on your foreheads. You will be deprived of the embarrassment of working with a black cross on your face as you struggle through Zoom meetings. We are offering these substitutions for your religious enjoyment:

Free holy water—Please bring your BPA-approved bottles, flagons, and flasks. Take as much as you want but please don't let your child sneeze in the fountain. Yes, we are referring to Bryan.

Rosaries blessed by the Pope—One per person, we do not care how many your abuela asked you to get. She has too many already. One per person, no exceptions.

The opportunity to kiss the bone of St. Christ of the Incredible encased in a small glass medallion—Clorox wipes provided between visitors.

Personal tours of the sacristy and choir loft led by Sister M. Aloysius, renowned organist at Wrigley Field, before she took her vows—Sadly it is against policy for anyone to yell pro- or anti-Chicago Cubs chants during the tour, but you may wear team gear.

And leftover from yesterday, first come, first served: party bags with Mardi Gras beads, coupons for Paczki’s and King’s cake, and cassette tapes of Louis Armstrong playing “Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans.” We have a couple of crates of this so come get them if you want them.

Reservations for private flagellation sessions with our visiting monks and free scapulars—this one sells out quickly because of the freaks out there so jump on this one quick