Durant Well On Way To Achieving Childhood Dream Of Requesting A Trade In All 50 States

BROOKLYN, NY—While much of the sports world was shocked by reports that Brooklyn Nets star player Kevin Durant demanded a trade following the Nets’ disappointing playoff exit last year, childhood friends were unsurprised.

“We took a class field trip to the National Mall in 6th grade,” said ex-classmate and public defender Nate Ives, “and KD thought the Lincoln Memorial was boring. It was then that he demanded to be traded to a different class who’d go visit something cool like an arcade.” Since that day, explained fellow Montrose High alum and greeting card writer Sheila Anderson, “he’s been obsessed with the idea of being traded. That’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him, when he was making our teacher Ms. Duler cry by insisting he wouldn’t move until they let him leave with the middle school from New Jersey that was also there. And of course, later that day, making the New Jersey teacher Mr. Wagner cry by insisting he gets traded back to us because they didn’t have his favorite kind of Lunchable.”

Having covered D.C., New Jersey (demanded a trade to somewhere where he could pump his own gas in high school), and Connecticut (couldn’t find an outlet for his phone) during his childhood, and Oklahoma, California, and New York in his professional career, Durant is already well on his way to achieving his childhood dream of demanding a trade in all 50 states. 

“Some people, all they care about is rings,” said fellow Net Kyrie Irving, “and some people care about not letting the government control what shape the Earth is, but it’s never been about that for Kevin. He measures his legacy in the angry tweets he’s inspired, the teammates whose group chats he’s ghosted, the fans he’s let down.”

At time of reporting, KD was last seen getting angry at the lack of historical accuracy on the guided tour of Boston’s Freedom Trail and hovering his finger over a very angrily-worded text message to Brad Stevens.