"Rap's Boring" Says White Guy Wearing Plaid Shirt

BOISE, ID—Speaking from a Kohls t-shirt department on Sunday, local white guy Alan Allen heard DaBaby’s new single “Rockstar” and declared the entire hip hop genre “boring as hell”.

“It’s like listening to the same song over and over again,” he said while combing through a clearance rack of only slightly different button-ups, “That's why I love Journey so much—the variety.”

Allen, who has a four-hour weekly podcast about prominent tax evasion suits, later claimed he had never actually made it through a rap album. “I listened to that Kendrick Lamar guy once and he was singing ‘fuck fuck kill bitches i love crack’, and I'm like... really dude? Listen to Faithfully again and then tell me how to write lyrics.”

Avoiding rap music has become a more difficult task in recent decades with hip hop tracks routinely hitting number one on the Billboard Hot 100. This is a problem that Allen avoids simply by shopping at Kohls, where they exclusively play The Journey on Sirius XM.

“They play all the best stuff here, from the Randy Jackson days. I’m talking Wheel in the Sky at least twice an hour. This is where I come every day after work, just to hang out and touch the gingham."

Allen may have found his excitement, but for some music listeners, even Journey may not be enough. While working on this story, we overheard a customer at the Kohls say she would never listen to classic rock because “that's like asking for tap water.”