Uh Oh! Your Ex Now One Of Those People With 'FREE HUGS' Sign

BROOKLYN, NY—It was a day like any other day. Liquid shits, hungover from three nights ago, ready to move upstate—but instead you're on your way to work. You didn't need what was coming. And honestly, how could you have prepared? You hadn't thought about Ryan in months.

The last time you did was after the tote-bag-starter-upper broke your heart and you needed to make a booty call. But no, you exerted self-control and instead masturbated until you couldn't feel your legs. That's neither here nor there, though.

So here you are: walking through the park and you see it. You don't even see him first, all you see is a sign saying FREE HUGS in the most disturbing handwritten font you've ever witnessed.

It's creepy, obviously, but it's also just...why? Is this person horny? Are they on drugs? Can they share the drugs? Have they always done this? Is it a social experiment? Am I being punked? Would I even want to be punked? Is Ashton Kutcher worth that? Would he actually leave Mila Kunis for you?

Once you get past all that, you see the person holding it. Fuck. He was always a little too passionate about not using soap and often told you that dropping acid once a week was good for you. But that's practically all men! You even defended him—you told your friends that he wasn't weird, he just really liked the taste of flax seeds. 

At least now you know that you officially dodged a bullet. And you can add it to the list of reasons why you need to be celibate forever.