Only Climate Change Dad Interested In Is Living Room Climate After Someone Touched Thermostat
DAYTON, OH— There are few things Robert Dunleavy holds sacred in this world. The first is his family. The second is his undying passion for domestic brewed lite beer. And the third, and perhaps most important, is climate control.
Not your average environmentalist, Robert started out from a very innocuous background, spending the majority of his 51 years on this planet focused on such things as what type of New Balance sneakers were best suited for mowing the lawn or how much Duct tape was required to rehang a downed ceiling fan.
Upon starting his family, Robert’s world grew happier, if not more complicated. The first of his four children was born without incident and the next three came like water flowing down the Niagara. All was well in the Dunleavy world until someone touched the living room thermostat.
“It wasn’t me,” said Timmy, the Dunleavy’s youngest. “My feet barely touch the ground when I sit down to poop. There’s no way I could reach that thing.”
According to Robert the rules of the house have been well established for years in regards to toying with the sacred digital overlord known as the Climate Control Tower. It is an absolute no-no.
“Pretty simple if you ask me,” said Robert. “68 degrees Fahrenheit is the perfect temperature. If it gets too cold the heat kicks in to stabilize. If it gets too hot the temperature still won’t go above the 68 because of the Control Tower. Perfection. No need to mess with perfection.”
Frustrated and confused amid the climate conspiracy, Robert had cameras installed throughout his living quarters, as not a single member of the Dunleavy family would admit to “finagling.” Additional security measures were added: the instillation of a Plexiglass lockbox prohibiting access to any disgruntled occupant from taking liberties above their pay grade.
Life for the Dunleavy family returned to normal after that. They had a nice home; a steady, comfortable climate, and they always knew what thickness of clothing to wear. Robert had ensured a temperate environment worthy of dictatorial glory, but the good times would not last.
“Things really took a turn for the worse when we purchased our new Subaru,” said Rita Dunleavy, Robert’s wife. “It had dual climate settings for both the driver and passenger sides. I honestly just shouldn’t have touched it.”
Clearly enraged, Robert did not shy away from voicing his opinion. “Two thermostats?! TWO?! Did God need two sons?! Did Star Wars need to Hans?! No! There’s a reason he was Solo!”
Robert’s animosity peaked after such a life changing realization that climate control could be affected by more than just one factory installed Control Tower. As any desperate man would, he took to the Internet to find solace. On a site registered as, DadsAgainstThermostatAbuse, Robert established contact with other like-minded fathers whom have also experienced the daily frustrations of temperature regulation.
“Right now, there’re about 12 of us that meet up at the local Applebee’s,” said Robert. “It’s a solid place because they got half priced appetizers and you always know what you’re in for temperature wise. They’re real good at it. Plus I got an in with the bartender so I get happy hour lite beers all night.”
The twelve-man group meets once a month to discuss things like grass clippings and the appropriate length, collective electricity and heating bills, and where the hell is the Earth’s thermostat.
Their eventual goal is to launch a nonprofit organization called D.I.G.S.S., which stands for, “Dads In Green Stained Shoes”, that would focus its aim at finding out who is messing with the Earth’s Control Tower and why spring keeps getting later ever year.
“We’re confident that our membership will grow exponentially seeing as how the only constant in this world is the ebb and flow of thermostatic instability,” said Robert. “Our mission is to get to the bottom of Mother Nature’s regulatory practices when it comes to temperature. 68 degrees! I’m telling you, that’s what the world needs! …Honestly, why is it so cold in May?”
