I-95 Collapse Leaves Philadelphians Gravely Concerned About St. Patrick’s Day 2024
PHILADELPHIA, PA—Interstate 95 took a major L this weekend. Home of the famed historical landmark Four Seasons Total Landscaping, Northeast Philadelphia is an unremarkable part of the city that’s well-known for being where your racist uncle lives while also being the only section of Philadelphia that’s affordable because no one wants to gentrify it. The effects of this disaster will be widespread, but Northeast Philadelphians are demanding answers to their most pressing concern: how will this impact St. Paddy’s Day?
Mayfair resident Jim McConnell had this to say “Oh, word? A truck exploded under 95? That’s crazy. I couldn’t really smell nothin' ‘cause we were blazin’ in here.”
His work commute is not impacted because he lives with his parents and hasn’t had a job since 2006.
Philadelphia officials have stated that their priority is getting the highway repaired so that Frankford Avenue traffic is not impeded for the big day. During a press conference, a spokesperson stated “St. Patrick’s Day is our number one issue right now. We will do whatever the fuck we have to do to make sure the Shamrock Shuttle has a clear route to transport all the puking white people on their pub crawl. Go birds."
Secretary of Transportation, Pete Buttigieg, weighed in, saying “Down-low Republican white men in Northeast Philly are an important Grindr demographic. Without their availability to host from their parents’ finished basements, we’re looking at a pretty dour Pride month."
We asked residents in other areas of Philly how the I-95 disaster will impact them.
Jen Roberts of Queen Village responded, “Isn’t that the suburbs?” Fishtown gentrifier Stacy Jones lamented “Oh, that’s a shame. They have really good Indian food over there”. Port Richmond native Steve Johnson admits that he hasn’t left his neighborhood since 1995, but supposes “Maybe this will keep all the riff-raff out.” He then clarified that he doesn’t have a racist bone in his body, but we needed a translator because he pronounces “bone” like “bayyoehnn.”
Employers are encouraging their workforce to swim along the Delaware River to avoid gridlock traffic. SEPTA has announced that they will continue only having two train routes, despite Philadelphia being a major city that could have probably used a few more trains even before this. When asked why Philly only has two trains, a SEPTA representative said “Fuck we look like? New York?” The reconstruction of I-95 is slated to be completed in about 270 years.
