Sixers Trade Embiid For Knicks’ Spike Lee And Timothée Chalamet, Citing Desire To Improve Team’s Celebrity Row

PHILADELPHIA, PA—With the NBA offseason in full swing and trade rumors abounding, reports out of Philadelphia indicate that the Sixers might be in the midst of a major rebuild, and intend to trade this season’s MVP Joel Embiid to the Knicks in exchange for the Knicks’ Spike Lee and Timothée Chalamet. The trade would be a win-win for both teams, with the Knicks getting a third star to pair with Julius Randle and Jalen Brunson and the Sixers finally getting some star power in their god-forsaken town. 

“Right now, when we pan across the crowd at our home games,” said Sixers GM Elton Brand, “all we have in Celebrity Row is Lil Dicky, Kevin Hart, and M. Night Shyamalan. That’s a good start, I guess, but it’s not enough, especially as none of those people have made anything good in the past five years. We need to re-develop the organization and raise our expectations for the people we show waving blandly at the camera while we lose another second round series.”

While this trade obviously improves the Knicks’ sporting prospects, with Embiid a lock for 25 points and ten rebounds most nights, the trade also brings additional benefits to Philadelphia. Conditions appended to the trade ensure that Spike will remake Do The Right Thing but set it in Philadelphia’s Fishtown district and have all the characters say “it’s so hot, I wish I had some wooder,” while Chalamet has promised to fuck his way through the undergraduate body of Temple University. 

Knicks executive Leon Rose added, “While we are sad to lose Spike and Timmy, we thank them for their service to the Knicks organization. We will miss Spike’s wearing blindingly bright shades of orange as he taunts men twice his size, and we will miss Timmy’s subtle and layered performance in Little Women. But we had to make this trade. We hope the two of them enjoy a warm Philly welcome, which is when Gritty tackles you into the Liberty Bell.”