3 Easy Armpit Hairstyles To Test Your Date, Make Sure He's Really About This Life
Every date night needs lush armpit hair. Whether you like a beehive, french braids, or a sleek straight look, our experts will teach you three easy armpit hairstyles to seduce a feminist man.
The Beehive
This style works best for long and dirty armpit hair. If yours is short, consider cutting a horse's mane and using it as hair extensions. Are you the type of woman that showers every day? We're sorry, but you'll need to be more casual about hygiene to attempt this updo.
Before starting, remember that you want to avoid looking timid with a half-down beehive, so go big with a complete retro style or go home without a second date. Once you've decided you're worth a second date, fluff your armpit hair with a fine-tooth comb—the Nit-Free Terminator Lice Comb is perfect for this look.
You want to tease the roots of your hair like the kid who almost bullied you in school but never fully crossed the line that sent you to therapy. Keep the ends of your armpit hair straight to sweep them over your teased roots. Use a bobby pin to secure the style and spray deodorant to hold your beehive in place. Your armpit beehive will last you a good 48 hours, enough time to go on a dating marathon.
When your date sees this look, he'll think you'll quiz him on Olympe de Gouges and 18th-century French feminism. He'll start reciting the Declaration of the Rights of Woman and of the Citizen before he even says hello. If he doesn't pass, offer him classes at a 50% discount. Remember: Dates are a great way of turning your side-gig business of schooling grown men on feminism into a 401k and a relationship.
The French Braid
You can never go wrong with a French braid, but like the beehive, you need long armpit hair or extensions to wear this style. We recommend you ask your best friend or someone comfortable with your hairy armpits to braid it—not your cat or your ex. Begin by brushing your armpit hair with the paddle brush you use as a microphone when you pretend to be the lead singer of your favorite band.
When you're done removing kinks and cobwebs from your armpits, ask your best friend to grab a section at the top of your armpit and start braiding it like she would a traditional braid, the ones your mother associates with purity, beauty, and youth—words that no longer remind her of you.
Tell your friend to fold each section of hair over each other as she works her way down your armpit. Hold the tails of your braids with your favorite scrunchies to give your armpits an 80s vibe.
When he looks at your armpit braids, he'll want to have a deep conversation on bell hooks and Audre Lorde. Trust us, by the end of your date, when his intellectual arousal reaches its peak, he'll ask for your consent to explore your mouth with his powerful, meaty tongue. Should you say yes? If you're into kissing men you just met and getting mononucleosis, go ahead and exercise your tongue muscles. Otherwise, please wait for your first date to turn into lunch next Saturday before you catch an infection from him.
Sleek and Straight, or the "Corporate Drone"
No man can resist the urge to run his fingers through silky straight armpit hair. For this look, if you're a brunette or a redhead, we'll advise you to dye your armpit hair blonde so you look more fun. Once you've transformed yourself into a carefree beauty, wash your armpits to remove any product residue. A straight and sleek style works best on clean hair, so we recommend this look to women who see daily bathing as required, not optional.
After you've cleaned your hair, spray on some heat-protecting deodorant and then blow it out on medium heat. As you work through your armpit kinks, you'll become more like Glorious Gloria and less of a No-Fun Andrea. Remember that few men, even feminist ones, like radical sisters, so tame your armpit hair and the Dworkin in you if you ever want to see him again.
At this point, your hair should be straight but not silky. Next, let your electrical hot comb work its magic by running it up and down your hair, starting from the tip to the root. Congratulations! Your armpit tresses are ready to take on the patriarchy, one strand at a time.
Your date will not be the only one blown away by how beautiful your armpit hair looks. Please also expect to receive many compliments from the women you usually envy and strangers on the subway. While it's tempting, don't allow pride to distract you from your sole mission: keeping your armpits moist-free. That's right: Sweat is your enemy, while a light breeze and air conditioning are your only friends, making cool places an ideal setting for a sleek and straight look.
Be aware, too, that your sleek and straight hair will make your feminist guy want to talk to you about The Feminine Mystique and the so-called "problem with no name" or ennui that your perfect suburban hair highlights. While we think this is a meaningful conversation, it is not one to have on your first date. Instead, focus on flicking your armpit hair to signal you want him.
