After Success With Smokers, New Jersey To Extend Early Vaccinations To 6 Million More Knuckleheads
TRENTON, NJ—Faced with soaring rates of coronavirus infection and a population prone to questionable life choices, New Jersey has decided to extend vaccine eligibility to all residents plagued most by poor judgment.
The policy change will now open coveted vaccine slots to nearly all of the state’s 8.9 million residents, including those who frequent tanning salons, dabble in anabolic steroids, and any friends or associates of former governor Chris Christie.
“These are all high-risk groups, folks who face severe complications with pretty much everything, which obviously extends to Covid-19,” said Governor Phil Murphy. “New Jersey is rife with underlying conditions that get in the way of remaining alive and this move protects our most vulnerable dummies.”
The rollout of Phase B4U follows Trenton’s bold decision to prioritize vaccinations for the state’s two million tobacco-users, who have flocked to open-air facilities that permit smoking, vaping, and tweaking during the inoculation process.
The list of groups who qualify in the second phase of the state’s innovative new protocol includes defrocked priests, parole-violators, hoarders, gossip-mongers, mailbox batters, pathological liars, local necrophiliacs, and anyone recently fired for inappropriately propositioning a co-worker. Also, newly added to the list are high school dropouts, pork roll junkies, flashers, those with dangerously long fingernails, residents involved in casual organized crime, and anyone with three or more unpaid speeding tickets. Deadbeat dads, pimps, porn-peddlers, double-dippers, ding-dong-ditchers, and those who’ve been convicted of sex trafficking are also eligible under the new guidelines. Virus-deniers, mask-flouters, and residents who openly defy social distancing guidelines will continue to be given priority status in the revamped program.
The decision to adopt the new policy puts a significant number of garden-variety Garden Staters ahead of some essential workers, including teachers, and has angered and confused many of the few hundred thousand residents who maintain their health, obey the law, and try to live by standards of general decency.
“Why am I being punished because I go to the gym and refrain from beating my wife?” asked Frank Pasquale, as he stood at the back of the line at the Plainfield ShopRite clinic.
Pasquale, 35, drove to the site at 6 a.m. with his brother-in-law, Seth Martin, and had been waiting for three hours before a nurse called out: “Alright yous, who here is drunk and/or high?”
“Seth shouts ‘I’m a smack-head, do I qualify?’ and they’re all ‘bada bing, come on down!’” snorted an incredulous Pasquale. “He was like ‘see ya, sucker’ and walked right in. He got both vaccinations in one sitting!”
Indeed, most New Jersey residents appeared pleased with the new guidelines, saying they finally felt rewarded for living true to their values.
“I’m so grateful that my state decided to do this,” said Chet Nixon, 54, a man in a trench coat with clearly no clothes on underneath. “Anyway, you want to see something cool?"
Tier 3, also known as Phase FU, is expected to roll out next week and will extend to litterbugs, tightwads, boy scout leaders who probably diddle, road-ragers, kill-joys, toll-evaders, and writers who continue to use “unprecedented” and “silver linings” in their work. Anti-vaxxers, dead skinheads, anyone responsible for a fecal “accident” at a public pool, and Kyrie Irving will also newly qualify.
If the groundbreaking new program succeeds, officials say they will consider creating a statewide database of fiends, perverts, and other assorted miscreants, similar to the sex offender registry.
“Most municipalities have a really tough time rounding up their reprobates when the time comes to provide them with highly desirable and extremely scarce resources,” said the state’s acting attorney general, Marcia Aaronson. “This will solve that problem permanently.”
Health Commissioner Baskin stressed that the new eligibility guidelines would be strictly based on the honor system and residents would not need to show any proof of being a jackass to qualify.
“All we ask is that residents flip us the bird—we feel that’s sufficient evidence of their eligibility,” she said. “Honestly, the program sends shivers down my spine. I have four simple words: New Jersey Proud.’”
