Warriors Unveil 2022 Championship Purity Rings
SAN FRANCISCO, CA— The Warriors will commemorate their 2022 NBA Championship during Opening Night with an unveiling of their Championship Purity Rings.
As well as celebrating their successful 2021/2022 season, and forth title in eight years, the Warriors will also be using the occasion to pledge their chastity to one another. The rings, which are valued at over $150,000 each, will serve as a reminder to the rest of the league that the Warriors will not engage in sexual activity with each other until they are in a legally binding marriage under the eye of the Holy Father.
After a spectacular regular season, Golden State defeated Boston to claim the title, the seventh in their history. Finals MVP, Steph Curry, was excited to add another purity ring to his collection.
“This is what it’s all about, man," said Curry after his morning prayers. “Winning Championships and hopefully, after marriage, having sex with the best teammates in the world. That’s God’s plan for me. It’s been tough … but I just know that that first night with all 15 of my teammates, the coaching staff, and the front office … it’s going to be special.”
After their Game 6 victory over the Celtics, several NBA stars took to social media to congratulate the Warriors and voice their support. Chris Paul posted to his 8.5 Million Twitter followers, “Damn, I’m gonna get me one of those. Mark my words. Me and my teammates can’t wait to get married and HAVE SEX!!!! Seeing this will make me push harder than ever. The Suns are ready for sex—after marriage.”
LeBron James, a 4-time Purity Ring holder himself, also praised the Warriors.
“These guys were unbeatable on the court. Now they’re going to be unbeatable in the eyes of the Lord.” Before continuing in a follow up Tweet: “Hurts that this isn’t me and my teammates. But Laker Nation, I promise you one more. I am defiantly going to marry my teammates and then we’re going to have sex! And if you think I’d ever consider the pleasures of the flesh before then, y’all crazy!”
Not all NBA fans were happy with the announcement. Noted Warrior critic, Skip Bayless, was doubtful on ESPN’s ‘First Take’. “Are you telling me these men have never had sex with each other? Are you telling me that they’ve never once turned their back on the Lord and engaged in carnal pleasure? Please.”
His skepticism was challenged by fellow panelists and NBA pundit, Stephen A. Smith.
"That’s what makes the Warriors the greatest team of the 21st Century," screamed Smith on First Take. "They respect the sanctity of marriage! And it starts with the coach. No way is Steve Kerr letting these men have sex with each other outside the parameters clearly set forth by The Father. No sir. You think Steph averages 25 a game if he’s having sex with Draymond, his brother, in the eyes of the Lord? Not until they’re united as one in sickness and health.”
The 18-karat gold Purity Ring is designed by the players themselves and contains over 200 diamonds, intricately arranged to form spectacular images of the Golden State Bridge, and two figures locked in embrace overlaid with an ‘X’ formed by 28 round-cut rubies.
Warriors owners, players, coaches, and front office staff will receive their Championship Purity Rings and vow to abstain from sexual activity with each other in a pregame ceremony at the Chase Centre on October 19th. Fans are encouraged to arrive early as the first 1000 attendees will receive a commemorative faux gold Purity Ring and the opportunity to pledge a vow of abstinence in front of a legion of Youth Deacons who will be manning the ticketing gates.
