Schumer: We Dems Vow To Be ‘Completely Whipped, Dominated’ By New Republican Senate—Oh, Wait... We Won?
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As midterms close with a surprising conclusion, many Democrats vowed to remain in the shadows of their republican counterparts, regardless of the outcome.
“I was so nervous that it was going to be a red wave because honestly, I didn’t know how I would be able to handle double the republicans slapping me around,” said Senate veteran Chuck Schumer while letting Senator Mitch McConnell spank him with a paddle. “I am a bad boy for saying climate change is real!”
Like Schumer, much of the Democratic party has grown accustomed to being completely pushed over by their Republican colleagues and were actually looking forward to losing the senate majority so that they'd be held even less accountable. In fact, many look forward to congressional hearings.
“I would get nervous when arguing for abortion rights, addressing climate change, and even raising the minimum wage. I was kinda excited to be told I am an ‘imbecile,’’pathetic,’ and sometimes a ‘bad little boy,’ when I attempt advocate for the American people,” said Senator Joe Manchin. “Sometimes I’ll even say, ‘let’s raise the minimum wage to $20 an hour,’ to see if Senator Graham will stomp on me harder. It’s a real thrill! Ugh, I can't believe we actually won.”
Senator Sinema, a democrat who has been criticized for siding with Republican policies, is excited that her praise kink will continue to be met.
“I was actually counting on the red wave so more men could tell me I am a ‘good girl,’ whenever I voted against the interests of my constituents,” said Sinema while cleaning Senator Hawley’s whips. “I was even going to introduce a law that would take away voting rights for all women. I get so wet when I think about how tight the hand cuffs would have been if I did that!”
Although most Republicans are used to degrading their Democratic colleagues, Senator Ted Cruz has taken it a step further and according to sources, loves being humiliated by everyone in the Senate.
“I’ll just say things like, ‘maybe minorities do deserve the right to vote,’ and immediately McConnell and Graham will come over and slap me repeatedly,” said Cruz while locked in a cage with a dog bowl. “It’s weird—sometimes I’ll agree with them but they’ll just hit me harder. Hey! Who am I to complain?”
Although the final results from the election won’t be known for a while, the democrats are comfortable in their strategy for next term.
“We’re going to really use this term to enjoy getting spanked for our ridiculous ideas like, protecting voter rights. I can’t even imagine how much I’ll get spit on when I propose we codify Roe!” said Senator Feinstein.
