NYC Coke Dealers Overworked As Investment Banks Welcome New Summer Interns

NEW YORK, NY—As major firms such as Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, and UBS welcome their new cohort of interns to the big city, ready for another magical summer of creating a consequence-free recession, an unintended consequence has started to trouble the city. New York’s working-class coke dealers are reporting signs of overwork and burnout as they struggle to keep up with the skyrocketing demand for the drug created by last year’s Kappa Sig Social Chairs.

“I am constantly going back and forth, back and forth, from Murray Hill apartment to Murray Hill apartment,” said career dealer Mike Dowell, “and it’s taking a lot out of me. I’ve started to cut the coke with salt just to make sure I always have a supply on hand. It’s not like they notice.”

“Of course it’s tiring. How could it not be?” added drug kingpin Leslie Cabrini. “You would not believe the amount of snow these people are able to fit in between ruining the housing market and ordering body shots at a Brother Jimmy’s BBQ. I’ve had to add two more regulars who just stand outside the Wall St. 4 Train station giving out loyalty cards.”

As a result, many of the city's dealers have noted they are struggling to maintain a work-life balance, with many of them being called away from their families at two in the morning to meet 4 guys all named Brad outside a meatpacking warehouse that they insist is a secret entrance to Soho House.

“When I started dealing,” continued Dowell. “I never imagined I would have to make this much small talk about Major League Lacrosse.”

When asked for comment, new Goldman securities intern David McKenzie stated: “Woooooooo! I’m gonna live forever, bro!”