Newer Testament? Vatican Announces New Politically Correct Bible And It's Only 4 Pages Long

VATICAN CITY, ROME—In an effort to rebrand the church amid countless controversies, Pope Francis announced a new edition of the Holy Bible.

A novel idea: remove anything and everything inappropriate from the Good Book. Keeping in touch with their Christian values however, the Vatican also elected to not include any new information based on the most recent thousand years of research and development.

The result: an improved New Testament perfect for the fast pace of today’s society. The New New Testament will only total four pages in length, a theoligical tiktok of sorts.

“Whelp,” said Pope Francis, “Our good Christian family has been taking the words of the Sacred Doctrine far too literally. In an effort to reduce this, I have made the decision to remove examples of naughtiness” 

Gone are the fables of locusts, genocide, casual slavery and premarital immaculate conception. Tossed aside are the tales of great floods, widespread disease, and buying wives with foreskins (looking at you, David). Today’s scripture fanatics will never have to set their eyes upon the story about a single man and a single woman populating the entire planet with their incestious romps. 

The NEW New Testament will only be available for tablets, e-readers, and teeny tiny orange physical copies that missionaries will guilt you into taking. Be the first at your parish to get a hold of one by making the largest donation when the plate comes your way.