KFC Culinary Scientists Working On Antidote To Mac & Cheese Bowl
LEXINGTON, KY—The Executive Culinary Team at Kentucky Fried Chicken, Inc., continue their around-the-clock efforts to develop an antidote to counteract the effects of their Mac and Cheese Bowl, long thought to be the source of the Kayeph-C23 virus. First detected on the University of Kentucky campus, cases were soon confirmed in Boston, Miami, and Philadelphia. The virus now inches closer to pandemic levels as cases have been identified in Rome, Tokyo, and Montreal over the past few days.
The Mac and Cheese Bowl consists of elbow macaroni, cheesy sauce, and breaded chicken nuggets. But despite clearly listing the ingredients on the menu, the dish continues to sell, most likely due to the $5 price tag.
"I know it sounds disgusting, but I can't afford not to eat it," said a student of University of Kentucky. "It's a bargain." U of K has a KFC on its campus quad despite the university's frequent vows to always do everything it can to protect their students and faculty from terrorist acts.
A representative for the fast-food giant declined to address a rumor that the virus escaped from the KFC laboratory in Lexington, instead laying blame on a food court in the Muhammad Ali International Airport in Louisville.
"The place is pretty nasty. The tables are all sticky, and there's never any napkins. And their rodent excrement levels are close to unacceptable."
Brenda Carstairs of The Food and Drug Administration released a statement regarding the country's cheese supply.
"The nation's emergency cheese reserve is as safe and sound as it has ever been," said Carstairs. "There is no need to run out and buy fifty pounds of cheddar. And I can assure you that the product in question has almost no real cheese in it at all. And even less real chicken."
Hospitals continue the struggle to find ways to accommodate all of their patients. There are simply not enough bathrooms to service the constant flow of distressed bowels.
"We've put three dozen Port-a-Potties on parking deck B," said a hospital administrator that requested anonymity. "It's just not sufficient. The saddest part is patients who are forced to FaceTime with their loved ones from the bathroom because it's not safe to be off the toilet. Families are devastated."
