Gaetz Asks Congress For Florida Hurricane Aid: 'My Date Deserves To Go To Homecoming In Style'

LARGO, FL—Cindy Spurgeon is a typical sixteen-year-old, from her blue-tinted bangs to her pink- and purple-checked Vans. A cheerleader, a volunteer at the hospital, and the starry-eyed girlfriend of Rep. Matt Gaetz, (R - Fla).

With the homecoming dance fast approaching and millions of dollars of property damage in her hometown from the recent hurricane, Spurgeon was disheartened about her chances of getting a new dress, shoes and maybe even a limo for her and her girlies for the occasion. That's when her politcally-savvy boyfriend stepped in.

"He's not like the other boys I know," says Spurgeon. "He's really romantic. When we want to make-out we don't just climb into the backseat. Matty has a customized Ford Econoline. It's like our own little love shack."

Gaetz and Spurgeon met last spring semester at a Largo High School sporting event. Gaetz has no children, and it's unclear why he was present. Nonetheless, the two hit it off immediately.

"I was really impressed when he told me he was a United States Congressman," said Spurgeon, as she drew a sharpie heart on her notebook with the name "Matt" in it. "I was like, 'Wow,' because I just learned about the three branches of government."

The congressman's official government web page contains a link to a fundraising campaign, with the proceeds going to finance the darling young couple's prom night festivities.

"I want this to be a night to remember. Not just for me. For her too." Cindy's father, Earl Spurgeon, a trailer park custodian, and an unvaccinated three-time Covid-19 survivor, spoke about his daughter's relationship with Gaetz, who is two years his senior. "He's not a Democrat, right? Who needs a varsity quarterback when you could have a friggin' congressman?"

Cindy says that they'll both be having the prime rib.