Which Of Your Trash Exes Should You Extort For Money?
When you get home after a long, hard day of refreshing Twitter and hiding from your boss, the last thing you want to do is deal with your finances. You got Chase statements breathing down your neck, NYU hounding you for student loan payments, debt from refinancing your mom's home for some reason you still don't understand, Sephora credit card balance from your Fenty Beauty shopping spree, Stephanie's Venmo request for drinks the other night that she insisted on paying for then she went and Venmo’d you like the bitch she is, and a bunch of other money shit you don't understand!
If you've been strapped for cash lately, you'll know the dread that comes with trying to figure out your finances. Well, look no further because Flexx got you a new lifehack - try extorting one of your trash exes for money!
Jared was an account manager (whatever that means) in his day job, but his passion was being a teacher. Specifically, teaching you about inter-sectional feminism, the country your parents immigrated from, and the Black Lives Matter movement. He swore he respected your opinion but boy don’t shut the fuck up tryna teach you shit!
Should you extort basic ass Jared?
YES - extort Jared for all he’s worth, which gets you 1 new push-up bra.
HOW? Use the tweet where he used the N-word — the tweet you printed day-of, on-sight.
Chris wanted an open relationship, but the kind where he could make out with any girl when you were out of town and where he got mad jealous if you talked to another guy. And you’re the hottest girl he’s ever dated!
Should you extort wack ass Chris?
YES - Chris bout to get extorted straight to bankruptcy, which gets you 100 tacos at Jack in the Box.
HOW? Threaten to tell his friends that he hooked up with a cousin, and also a horse.
Paul constantly gave you shit for following celebrity gossip, wanted you to stop watching the Kardashians, and worst of all he didn’t understand Beyonce. This coming from a guy who loved to watch CTE develop in men crashing into each over a ball!
Should you extort misogynistic ass Paul?
YES - Paul gonna be homeless when you clean him out, which gets you 1 waist-trainer.
HOW? Threaten to reveal he bought the Kylie lipkit to fuck the box.
Ben voted for Bernie.
EXTORT. HIS. ASS. Take everything. Even though all he owns is a bike that still has a Bernie sticker on it.
Chances are that if you have an ex, he probably has an extortion coming for him. Go get your money, girl! I’ll see you at the Boston Market.