What? This Isn't True Detective? I've Been Watching Green Book This Whole Time?

What the hell? 

You’re telling me I’ve been watching the wrong thing for eighty minutes and that what I’m watching is not the critically acclaimed HBO series True Detective but is, rather, Green Book? The movie directed by the guy who did Dumb & Dumber and took his dick out as a prank? How did this happen to me? 

I could’ve sworn I picked the right thing. To be fair, though, I went to the bathroom during the opening credits and when I came out I saw Mahershala Ali sitting in the car with a white guy and I just assumed this was the one. I mean I heard that this season of True Detective had a couple of timelines going on, so I didn’t bat an eye when it was all in the ‘60s South. 

I guess I did start getting confused when there wasn’t a central murder to focus on, and Ali wasn’t even a detective! But alas, I trusted Nic Pizzolatto to get me there. I had been hearing such great reviews that this season of True Detective was a real return to form. 

But when the Joe Pesci-adjacent character gave some soliloquy about race, and a woman sitting next to me in a MAGA tracksuit stood up and started clapping, that’s when I realized — I’m sitting in a movie theater watching Green Book. This became even clearer when Ali’s character turned to the camera and shouted “I ain’t a detective! I’m a world-class pianist, and this right here is Green Book!”

Honestly, I’m relieved to know that it’s not True Detective that’s stupid and bad and, in fact, it’s this movie Green Book that’s stupid and bad. But shit, I just lost eighty minutes of my day!

Well, I’ve learned my lesson. The next time I see Mahershala Ali sitting in the car with a white guy for a really long time, I’ll think twice before assuming it’s True Detective.