Warning: Please Consult A Doctor If Your D’Angelo Listening Session Lasts Longer Than 4 Hours
Facing a public health crisis, the American Medical Association (AMA) has just released a national ad campaign encouraging viewers to seek medical assistance if they have listened to D’Angelo for over four hours. The ads seek to combat a growing number of people who have reported symptoms such as extreme waves of seductive energy, unexplained 15-year absences from society, and trying to sculpt their pubic V into a fine point.
While the artist, who released such classic albums as Brown Sugar, Voodoo, and Black Messiah, is undeniably one of the most talented artists of his generation, it is also clear that his music has adverse effects. Listeners have often found themselves staring pensively at mirrors thinking about you, questioning their place in your life, and trying to seduce you by taking their shirt off despite not having gone to a gym since January.
Time music critic Christopher Farris, who said that D’Angelo’s debut album “blurs the borders, kicking over the traces of the genre game,” gave a testimonial in the current ad campaign, saying, “my dick has been at attention for the past 25 years since I first heard it. It is a poison and it has ruined my life.”
FLEXX encourages readers to have a phone pre-dialed to emergency services to hand before hitting play on “Untitled (How Does It Feel).”