Tribe Elects Refrigerator With ‘4/4ths’ Blood Quantum To Tribal Council

Tribe Elects Refrigerator With ‘4/4ths’ Blood Quantum To Tribal Council

A Midwestern tribe has decided that bigger really is better.

After a heated council election season — in which several candidates embarrassed themselves and their families beyond repair with ill-advised Facebook rants — the tribe has elected a GE refrigerator to their council. The refrigerator is reputed to have a pure ‘4/4ths’ blood quantum, which immediately set him apart from the other candidates.

“I do not understand how a refrigerator can be Native American,” said Trish Walker, who is a measly ½.

Enrolled tribal member Heather Billings remarked that she was satisfied with the results.

“Look: he’s the real deal. You can see it in his angular features and square build,” said Billings. “Yeah, I know he’s just a GE refrigerator that we have to plug into a wall. But I saw the other candidates, and even though one of them went to Stanford Law and another has launched several thriving businesses, I decided they weren’t authentic enough.”

“I have absolutely no regrets whatsoever. I think this refrigerator is going to do a great job on council.”

Eyewitnesses have since spotted the refrigerator driving around in the council chair’s Ferrari.

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