These Are The 8 Hottest Guys On The Rez Who Are Actually All Your Cousins

Lou: Woof! Those long, luscious locks drape perfectly around his chiseled face.
(2nd cousin)

Aaron: Ooh mama! He looks like he could rip a car in half!
(Possibly your 2nd cousin but for some reason it’s vague)

Juan: Hot hot hot! Don’t let the name fool you — he’s not Latinx and no one knows why his mother tells people he is!
(Relation unclear, but he shares your last name so don’t risk it)

Bobby: Boom boom! Not only is he sporty — he’s deeply involved in all of your tribe’s most important traditions.
(This is your other brother. Please talk to God)

NOTE: Also they’re all straight so don’t even bother.

Derek: Yeehaw! This indigenous Adonis can ride a horse side-saddle! Especially impressive because our tribe historically didn’t ride horses.
(3rd cousin, but behaves more like a 2nd cousin or even a 1st cousin)

Mat: Damn! His dark, brooding eyes suggest either emotional depth or a complete lack thereof!
(Definitely your 2nd cousin; mother has confirmed)

Marcus: Ooh, babe. Look at that knowing smile — you can tell he’s ready to whip out that enormous blood quantum!
(1st cousin! Way too close to home)

Stevie: Honk honk! His features are turning so many heads, there is utter carnage on the rez! (Because everyone is crashing their cars)
(Your brother. This is fucked up)