The FLEXX Guide To Being The Only Gaytive At A Nascar Race
So you’re a gay Native American ready to complete the “Rural American Birthright.” Make sure to follow these tips if you want to walk out with your identities (and body) intact.
DO plan in advance.
There’s a dearth of palatable dong at some Nascar races, so swing by the nearest gay bar the evening prior. It might be hours away from the race itself. Get over it hunny!
DON’T forget protection.
Ear plugs and a bowie knife should suffice!
DO wear camouflage.
Dress like someone who can quote multiple “Talladega Nights” lines and shoot an airsoft gun with precision if pressed. Consider RealTree and Wranglers. Obvi still camp up the lewk (performative masculinity is VERY gauche), but camp it up with intent. Don’t go overboard or people will assume you are the meth connect.
DON’T wait until the race to download the apps.
You’re wasting precious time! Also, why don’t you have the apps already downloaded? Wtf? Get over yourself, babe!
DO pack your group’s cooler with gay bevs of choice.
Understand that you can only bring canned drinks in your cooler. Luckily, all of the queer beverages of choice (Michelob Ultra, bad wine, Raspberritas, La Croix) are available in can form. Stock up! If you’re going with straight friends, don’t let them override you with their Coors Light bullshit.
DON’T hit up anyone in the infield.
They can’t leave during the race, dumbass! Yes, it sucks because they’re generally hotter and more refined than anyone in the stands, but tap into your proud queer heritage and make do with the scraps at hand. Lincoln wasn’t tapping WeHo ass; neither are you.
DO keep your voice and energy as gay as you want.
You might get some weirded-out looks — but you can’t give a shit! This is tribal land babe. If they want to live in a breeders-only bubble, they can feel free to construct such a bubble back in Europe. Bye!
DON’T hesitate if someone okayyy messages you.
You can’t be picky, sweetheart.
DO call upon the ancestors for good luck.
They are rooting for you! They’ve seen some shit!