Suburban Mom Terrified Big Government is Coming For Her Hugs

As social distancing measures continue, Janet Miller, a self proclaimed “hug police” fears that this may be the end of hugs. She wipes a tear as she thinks about what is at stake. “I mean, what will the government come for next?”

She coughs and points to an email from Walgreens stating their new Covid shopping policies. “This right here is socialism. I used to hug every pharmacist I came across, over the counter. Now, Obama is telling me no? I don’t think so.”

She claims that this is just her way of life and that without hugs, she fears that there will simply be no other acceptable greeting. “If I see Gwendolyn in church, what am I supposed to do? Just say hello? Not rush in with my arms wide open and force a hug upon another person? Jesus is rolling over in his grave. My head hurts.”

Miller is even more terrified as summer looms. “Now, you’re telling me I need to keep six feet of distance for peoples’ safety? Cause let me tell you, nothing’s safer than the arms of Janet Renee Miller. Come here. Let me lay one on you. I don’t feel well.”

Every hug she claims is special and that she has it down to a science, or as she would call it, a “faith.”

“You have the sustained eye contact, reach out and then the hold and squeeze. I do a good 20 seconds, but sometimes that goes up to 45. My throat is scratchy.”

She thinks that if her state doesn’t allow anymore hugging, she’ll go down to Florida, where it is always safe to hug every one you see.

“The beaches are full of huggers. I’ve seen them, and I’m telling you keep your arms open, Jacksonville. Janet’s coming. Why am I hard of breathing?”