Santa Put Me On The Naughty List? What A Capricorn.

It’s the holiday season, a time normally reserved for joy and cheer. Unfortunately, Santa is really trying me this year — today as I farted while exiting the subway car, I found out this bitch put me on the naughty list. Can you believe him?! Only a Capricorn would pull this shit. 

Everyone knows that Capricorns and Geminis are incompatible. I think I slid under the radar last year, but Capricorns hold grudges. It totally makes sense he would put me on the naughty list this year, because he’s still mad I called him fat last year even though honesty is the best policy. His emotions are too unpredictable, and really, he shouldn’t be in charge of something this important. I never stood a chance.

While we’re being honest, I didn’t do a single thing wrong all year. There was that one time where I kicked a homeless person’s change jar out of their hands, but that doesn’t count — my Mercury was in retrograde. Everyone knows that I can’t be held responsible for my actions when Mercury is in retrograde. That’s why it’s okay when I “forget” to tip on split bills with my friends.

I have a friend who’s 4th moon overlaps with Santa’s, and she didn’t get any coal. He clearly isn’t being a true judge of people’s moral characters. She may volunteer every Saturday for the veterans, but I helped my younger brother cheat on his girlfriend, and his 4th moon matches mine. If Santa was truly being constant with his judgement, he would have seen the moon bond and given me presents for being such a good sibling. 

I learned this year that I can do good deed after good deed, like when I told my brother’s girlfriend to dump him because he was cheating on her, but Santa will always put me on the naughty list. I guess he’s too busy trying to get a promotion to worry about my well being. What a Capricorn.