Rick Rubin Preparing To Deliver Presents To Children Worldwide

Legendary music producer Rick Rubin is reportedly hard at work preparing to spread Christmas cheer to households all over the world, provided that the children have been good this year and stayed true to their musical identities, Rubin confirmed in a recent interview.

“I keep these two lists: one for kids who haven't let the pressures of fame and money interfere with what drives them as artists, and one for kids who have fallen victim to the machine of the industry,” said Rubin, shaking his head and pointing to a specific name on the naughty list. “The Roots still think they're getting away with that Fallon shit, but you can't hide from the naughty list.”

In addition to preparing vintage hip-hop mixtapes as gifts, Rubin was also trying on his red and white suit, which he wore barefoot, and caring for the stable of unpaid label interns who carry his sleigh across the world on Christmas Eve. 

“You know, it’s a funny story, there was a Christmas awhile back where I was hanging with Kanye West and Johnny Cash and all of the living Beatles, talking about how rich we all were, and then it got really foggy. I asked this one intern if it was okay to strap a red flashlight to his face so I could see,” Rubin said, stroking his beard. “Obviously he was down. What’s he gonna do, say no? Anyways, we ended up doing a song about the whole thing and it was a huge hit.”

After 30 minutes, Rubin cut the interview short.

“Whew, how long have we been talking? I haven't worked this long without a break in years,” said Rubin. “I gotta go meditate.”