Report Confirms 93% Of American Grandparents Actually Tyler Perry In Disguise
Aw hell naw! A Quinnipiac study has found that 93% of all American grandparents are actually Tyler Perry in disguise.
Researchers conducted the study after several thousand reports from morticians across the country detailed the same disturbing trend. “I was inspecting a body and noticed a thin line around the neck. Upon further investigation, I was able to peel back a mask that revealed actor/director Tyler Perry,” said one mortician from Wilmington, Indiana. “When this same thing happened with every geriatric corpse I received that month, I knew something was up.”
In order to discover how ubiquitous Tyler Perry really was, researchers accessed every US profile available on Ancestry.com. A quick control-F search showed Tyler Perry was a grandparent of all but 7% of the nation.
Many of the world’s top quantum physicists remain baffled by this new reality. “Technically, it should be impossible for matter to be in two places at once, let alone millions. We have to rethink everything about life as we know it,” says scientist Hayley George, “Like, how is he able to stop and start his heart on command?”
Many Americans affected by the Perry Paradox don't seem as impressed as the scientific community. The majority feel betrayed. Tyson Briggs thought it was all a myth, until it happened to him. “I found out when what I believed to be my grandmother laid on her deathbed. She said ‘Darling, come close.’ I leaned in, holding back tears. The last thing she whispered to me was ‘hellur.’ I was devastated. How had I been duped?”
Perhaps the worst part of all is that it isn't even for a movie. We reached out to Tyler Perry’s production company, and reps shared that he hasn’t worked this hard in years. It seems Tyler Perry has finally become a quadruple threat: writer, actor, director, and beloved grandparent.