Quieres Cafecito? Abuelas Everywhere Say Yes!
Stunning statistics out of Miami this week as a new poll shows 100% of abuelas surveyed believe that yes, you do want cafecito, despite objections to the contrary. In fact, data suggests that the more you protest the cafecito, the more likely the abuela in question is to believe that you do, in fact, want it. Pollsters from Porquenopiac surveyed over 1,000 abuelas in Miami and the surrounding areas, and out of these 999 responded “sí” to questions, with one abuela abstaining from her answer by sitting in stunned silence for over five minutes at the mere suggestion that their nieta preciosa may not, in fact, quiere cafecito.
More astoundingly, the poll also found that this trend is not limited to cafecito. The survey showed the belief that you are hungry and/or thirsty extends to croquetas, pasteles, tortas, and, of course, handfuls of powdery, indistinguishable hard candies that may or may not be left over from before the Cuban revolution.
As a result of these stunning stats, we sent reporter Alexandria Ocasio-Cortéz (different one) to the field to speak with abuelas directly. When asked about this deeply held belief, Misora Castillo, age 87, had this to say:
“Porque no quieres cafecito? Estás enferma? Sana sana colita de rana…”
The interview was then halted as Sra. Castillo had just placed an entire tamale directly into Cortéz’s mouth. Once Cortéz had finished the tamale, accepted the magic of the frog, and drank 4-5 tiny espressos, she told FlexxMag exclusively:
“Honestly, abuela was right. I did want all of that stuff. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a handful of dusty candy to inhale.”