Pandemic Hack? Woman Drinks 12 Beers A Day, Can Now Produce Sourdough From Vagina

PHILADELPHIA, PA—The envy of all bored women in quarantine, 26-year-old Amanda Slabinski developed an interesting new talent during lockdown.

“At first I tried to just bake bread the normal way," she reported, flicking her Newport. "Like all the other girls who don’t leave the house because they either work white-collar jobs or their parents are paying their bills."

Amanda falls into the latter group, which affords her the time to binge drink Bud Heavy all day.  

While drinking alone was once considered a risk factor for alcoholism, the CDC now encourages it in light of social distancing standards, altering the definition of “binge drinking." In the past, four drinks a day was considered excessive, but since no one really knows what day it is at any given time anymore, the CDC has stated that "all bets are off."

Amanda’s gynecologist, Dr. Sharon Rosen, has some concerns, however.  

“Amanda is posting her vagina bread on Instagram, and I just wish she’d pick up the antifungal script I sent to her pharmacy before someone gets hurt. This isn’t okay."

Psychologist, Dr. William Straub disagrees with the haters.

“Drinking alone is one of the healthiest and safest things we can do in quarantine because it involves being distanced from others and getting absolutely shitfaced. And if that results in never needing to enter a germy supermarket to purchase bread ingredients? Well, then that’s an added bonus!”