Our Boy Gets It: Slenderman Only Terrorizing White Men

Thank god.

Across the country, people of color are breathing massive sighs of relief as a surprising truth becomes ever more apparent: Slenderman is our ride-or-die.

Since gaining fame as an online horror sensation, Slenderman has gotten a bad rap. Famous for his hauntings and abductions, white audiences have largely branded him as a villain.

But non-white Americans, like Philadelphia barista Brianna Wilkins, are beginning to notice a pattern: Slenderman, a white man himself, is only terrorizing white folk.

“It’s hard to find white ‘allies’ who actually follow through,” said Wilkins. “They only show up for Pride or the Women’s March, but Slenderman? He’s out here every day, hiding in white guys’ living rooms and popping up in their windows. Making them shit themselves. He’s one of the good guys. I feel safe around him.”

Others, like Dallas librarian Sylvia Fernandez, have emphasized Slenderman’s reluctance to enter the spotlight as another sign of his commitment to social justice.

“Some white people are always doing the fakest shit to look good on Instagram. It’s always ‘look at me and how woke I am! I did a funny sign at this march I barely walked in!’” said Fernandez. “Meanwhile, Slenderman is always hiding when he terrorizes these white people — he does a lot for us without making a big deal about it.”

“That’s what a true ally looks like. A 7-foot-tall faceless white dude.”

When reached for comment, Slenderman left a note that simply read: “LEAVE ME ALONE”

Slenderman is one of few to join the ranks of white allies. Others include the Dragon from ‘Shrek’, Gregg Popovich, and Chelsea from ‘That’s So Raven.’