Op-Ed: I Stopped Trauma Dumping On My Friends And Started Taking Actual Shits On My Therapist. Here’s Why:

In case you’re not aware of completely made-up pop psychology trends, “trauma dumping” is when you have a conversation with someone—anyone—who’s not a licensed psychologist. As soon as I learned that it was rude and inconsiderate to talk to friends about my problems, I immediately enlisted the help of a therapist (even though therapy is kind of cheugy now, but whatever). 

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) study taught us that people who have endured trauma are more likely to have various health issues and reduced mortality. Randos on social media have added to this research by stating that individuals who have experienced such hardships are annoying and should simply shut the fuck up. Nobody wants to hear that shit! Just because you’ve had a bad life doesn’t mean you get to ruin your privileged bud’s day.

When selecting a therapist to talk to, I made sure to find someone who is proficient in trauma dumping, specifically. I actually saw her profile on a dating app and she mentioned she’s into scat play—what a perfect fit! I’m so glad I found an outlet for my massive trauma dumps so I don’t have to bother my friends with my shit—literally! My copay is $50, so I can only afford to go like twice a year, but it’s totally worth it. I’m on the keto diet, so I don’t move my bowels that often anyway. I'm lucky if I get one a week.

Processing my trauma dumps has been great, and my friendships have never been stronger. I’ll admit it: sometimes I still get the urge to speak when I’m being social. For this reason, the only activity I allow myself to do with friends is scuba diving.